Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Random thoughts

Please bear with me and this post, I'm looking through blurry eyes so hopefully the spellchecker will pick up and typos.

It's been an emotional rollercoaster these past few weeks and I think I finally hit the boiling point, the point where you just have to let it all out and the tears are flowing quite freely.

I really don't even know where to begin, my mom is on a binge again. After all the promises and the tiny bit of hope I held that she would actually mean it this time, it's all unraveled. Usually I just take it all and go with the flow, however this time it really stings. I can't even explain all the emotions, anger, hurt frustration, those are all a good start, but it's deeper and I can't quite pinpoint it. I guess I know deep down inside she's coming to an end, her body is dying and I can't stop it. No matter how much love I have in me for her and no matter how much I hope I try to have, I can't stop it. I couldn't save my dad and now I'm watching my mother accept the same fate. The only difference is my dads was quick, this is a slow and agonizing way to kill yourself. No matter how hard I try to rationalize the situation, I don't understand it. I look at the beautiful faces of my children and I cannot comprehend ever doing anything to hurt them, I guess it just shows the strength that alcohol can possess over someone. She was just here on the 14th and babysat for Bill and I while we went and watched a football game. She did all kinds of activities with the kids and returned home that night to drown herself in booze, and she is still there now. Yesterday was her 50th birthday and she spent alone and drunk. Of course I understand this is her own choice, I've overcome and type of guilt. That slipped away the day she held me by the throat because I had hidden her booze when I was 14. That was the first time I really realized the grip it had on her.
And just the week before that she was here too, she brought us all the fixings for our thanksgiving dinner as a surprise. I just don't know how this is going to end. It rips me apart to know that people out there are holding on for dear life, that they know how precious every day is and how cherished loved ones are. They know not to take one day for granted because in an instance, it's gone.
Here's my mother selfishly drinking each day away, knowing that her body is giving out. Knowing that her family loves her and that she has five grandchildren who adore her and another new grandbaby on the way. I feel so many different emotions all at once, it's crazy. She openly admits she's an alcoholic to me and my sister and even jokes about it, but I beginning to realize it's an attempt to cover it up as ridiculous as that sounds. It's a hard thing to swallow, knowing that someone you love is killing themselves as you stand by and watch. It's like being in a dream watching a horrible event unfold only to discover you are frozen in that one spot. Your mind is racing with all the things you should or could do, you even yell and scream, but it's all to no avail. Your words only fall on deaf ears. It's taken a long time to come to grips with the fact that I can't fix her, only she holds that power. Just as I had to come to terms after my father had died, I couldn't fix him either. God gave us freewill and how we choose to use that gift is up to us. He gave us that so we would go to Him and love Him, not because we should but because we went to Him of our own freewill. The only thing I can do is to pray for her, I pray that the Lord can forgive her for her sins and see that she is still a child of God and that she still has good in her, it's just clouded by shame and guilt and alcohol.

I've never understood what drives her to drink and I have a feeling I'll never know, I think that is a secret she will take to the grave. Do I want to know? Would I even understand? Probably not, I've thought of a dozen reasons that would drive me to the point to just give up and drown my sorrows, but I can always think of a dozen more not too. I thank God every day for that. I thank Him for loving me and giving me the strength to keep going even when satan is banging on my door. I'm scared. I'm terrified that I will be attending my mothers funeral very soon and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it. Everytime the phone rings, my heart skips a beat.

Well my nose is running and I really need a break. Thank you for listening. It's lonely to be engulfed in this type of pain. No one really knows what to say, especially me. It's usually just easier to isolate myself and concentrate on the kids and the house. I really hate to burden people with this, because in all honesty I feel stupid. Stupid because I fall for the story and the pleas and the vows everytime. But I guess I'm just naive and really try to believe what she is saying is the truth, then again, maybe it's just wishful thinking from the tiny shred of my heart that hopes one day, it just might be the truth. But that is dwindling and it hurts. My sister said all to well, it's like having someone die over and over and over again.

I'm really sorry to dump this all on here...............please keep us all in your prayers.
God bless you all.


Misty said...

((((Penny)))) I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I basically have no relationship with my mother and I feel that it is God led. Not saying this is the answer for you, but sometimes it is OK to let go. Just pray sweetie.

Sylvia said...

I am praying for your mom. Please take care Penny. (((HUGS)))