Monday, May 21, 2012

Being Present

First, I am so sorry for such an extended hiatus from my blog. They seem to be happening far more often this year than ever before.  I'm not sure why, but it is what it is.

I have thought often about writing and of course, what to write. I know many bloggers go through this and I am not alone. We have something happen in real life and want to blog about it, but are at a loss for words. Then we second guess ourselves about posting at all. This has been what I have been wrestling with. I'm not sure how one goes about telling the bloggy world about large life experiences, esepcially ones that are private. Although I have contemplated about whether or not to share, I have decided that ultimately, the bloggy world is an extension of my world and I have shared about many of my personal life experiences in the past...why would I stop now?

So, without knowing of the proper way to share this....I'll just come out with it. My younger sister passed away in March. Yes, you read that correctly. My younger sister, Kandie.
She was 26 years old. We still do not have the results from the autopsy, but it is speculated that it was drug related. This was a part that I had kept silent from my bloggy world. My sister had battled drug/alcohol abuse for quite a few years. It had put a tremendous strain on our relationship which ultimately came down to us not really speaking or visiting anymore. She made her choices and realizing that I was never going to be able to 'fix' her, I had to learn to love her from a distance and just accept who she was until she wanted to change for herself. Unfortunately, that day never came and now she will never have the chance. The kids will never get to know their Auntie again and I have lost my one and only sister.  I knew all along that the lifestyle she was living would end one of two ways, either she would realize the destruction and get help...or not. It is the risk all family members must accept when a loved one has an addiction and does not want help. It's heartbreaking and painful to go through, but you cannot change someone who does not want to change themselves. They must want the help and want it for themselves, until then, they cannot change.

So, the last while has been learning how to live with the void. The void of knowing that I'll neve rhear her voice again or see her smile or hear her giggle. I mourn for our future and what it was supposed to be. I mourn for her little boy who will never know his Mama, the real person she was. The real Kandie was sweet and loving and wonderfully talented. The drugs and alcohol devoured that person and left in it's place a person who was sad, angry and empty despite having family that loved her so much. The smiles and laughs were not her true soul smiling and not the true Kandie those of us who knew her all her life was.

My comfort now is that she is not in pain anymore and is reunited with our Dad (he comitted suicide in 1995) and her precious baby boy, Hunter, who passed away in 2005. (he was born at 25 weeks and lived for 3 days). 

Rest in Peace Kandie, until we meet again!


Lisa said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. *hug*
I remember when you posted about Hunter being born. I'm sure it will be wonderful to be with him again.
God bless.